Intimate Imperialism: How to respond if a friend or comrade is experiencing domestic violence during COVID-19

by Mykie Ozoa-Aglugub and Khara Jabola-Carolus

Domestic violence is an intimate form of imperialism. One party dominates over another through the use of hard and soft power in order to exploit *her labor and territory (body). Similar to a colonizer, the abuser does not always utilize physical violence to maintain control. Often, the abuser relies on internal colonization. The abuser makes their “partner” feel so inferior or economically dependent that the partner struggles to leave the relationship even if she engages in hundreds of acts of daily resistance. Attempting to achieve total independence from the abuser takes careful planning and is full of danger. The majority of victims are killed in the process of seeking independence (77.7% — Hawaiʻi).

To dismantle global imperialism, we must take serious domestic violence — its most basic manifestation and building block. The explosion of domestic violence during COVID-19 should make obvious that the idea of dominant-subordinate relationships in our people’s heads is dangerously pervasive and threatens our goal of an egalitarian community, nation and world order. Intimate imperialism can only be addressed if our movement truly holds women and LGBTQ+ people in care and hears our cry for freedom.

*Domestic violence/intimate imperialism is not a one-gender issue, that is, it is not limited to “violence against women” because also impacts men and LGBTQ+ people. Culturally competent resources for men and gender variant people are critically needed. However, domestic violence is also not gender-neutral: 86.7 % of domestic violence fatalities in Hawai’i are women, and 86.7 % of domestic violence killers are men (DV Fatality Review Board). Trans women are also more likely to suffer more severe violence and serious injuries from domestic violence compared to other LGBTQ survivors (Goldscheid, J., 2015).

The first step is to see the problem. People experiencing domestic violence may hide it extremely well, like how your strongest friend may be the one who is most depressed. Still waters run deep.

Domestic violence is as much, if not more, about debilitating psychological abuse and financial control as physical harm. The warning signs are not always easily recognized, especially combined with the general increase in isolation and personal stress that define this pandemic. Here are some possible warning signs of domestic violence during COVID-19:

1. Broken laptop or phone, especially more than once in a relatively short period.
2. Last minute, sudden inability to attend an important virtual meeting.
3. Having to suddenly leave a meeting or phone call.
4. Children not showing up to daycare.
5. Inability to speak or text openly on the phone.
6. Responding to text messages at odd times.
7. Constant excuses for being MIA.
8. Hinting that their partner is criticizing, blaming or taking the stress of the pandemic out on them.
9. Personality changes. For example, someone soaringly confident and carefree now insecure.
10. Constantly checking in with their partner.

If you’ve noticed these warning signs and expect that someone you know is being abused, don’t wait for them to approach you. Look for a private moment or get creative to come up with an excuse to create a moment where you can express concern and let your friend know you’re there to support them.

1. Express concern: Tell your friend that you’ve been concerned for them or that you’re worried about them. This is a non-judgmental approach that might make them feel comfortable in opening up. If they deny that anything is wrong, don’t push, but communicate that you’ll be there if they ever do want to talk.
2. Believe them: If they admit to experiencing abuse, understand that they have taken a risk by telling you. Their partner could hurt them or you could reject them. Support them by giving them your trust even if you know their partner and s/he/they “could never” commit domestic violence. Abusers can be extremely affable, charming people.
3. Assure them that the violence is not their fault: This can be such an important thing for a victim of violence to hear. Some useful things to say might be, “No one deserves to be treated this way,” “You are not to blame,” or simply, “What’s happening is not your fault.”
4. Support, but don’t give advice: This can be hard to do, especially if the victim is close to you. But remember that you cannot make someone leave an abusive relationship with a person or an industry who isn’t ready. Let them lead the conversation if they are willing to talk. Give them options and offer to help and support them along the way, but pressuring a victim to leave a relationship who does not want to may only isolate them further by making them feel like they can’t confide in you. Remember that abusive behavior is a pattern of getting power and control over someone else. Validating a victim’s choices and encouraging them to make their own decisions about their life can help to break this cycle of power and control.
5. Avoid judgment: One of the worst things we can do is to criticize the relationship or bad-mouth the abusive partner. This can be hard to do, as we may be emotional or angry at our loved one’s partner. Even if your friend begins criticizing or insulting their partner, allow them to vent and continue to uplift your friend and their own choices. If you criticize their partner or the relationship, they may internalize it as your disapproval of your friend’s choices, and make them feel more isolated or unable to confide in you moving forward.
6. Give resources: The National Domestic Violence Hotline operates an anonymous, confidential, 24-hour toll-free hotline for victims of domestic violence at 1–800–799–7233 (SAFE) or TTY: 1–800–787–3224. The advocates who operate this line can provide your friend with a well-informed listening ear, can assist with safety planning, and can provide shelter and service referrals. You can also direct your friend to confidential resources on campus like the UH Mānoa Office of Gender Equity or PAU Violence, or confidential resources in the community like the Domestic Violence Action Center.
7. Let them know about legal protections like domestic or sexual violence “victim’s leave” from work. Hawaiʻi law grants 30 days of unpaid victim leave from work each calendar year to deal with the impacts of domestic violence if your employer has at least 50 employees.

Keep it confidential*: Assure the victim that anything they’ve said will stay between the two of you. Breaking a victim’s trust after they’ve opened up to you may only isolate them further, and could even put them in danger.

What about intervening when your friend is the abuser?

Intervention can be especially difficult when we suspect a friend or loved one is exhibiting the abusive behavior. Your friend may be hurt by your suggestion, become defensive, deny it, or make excuses. Regardless, it is important that we say something, because our silence implies our approval of our friend’s behavior and implicitly encourages them to continue the abuse.

Consider the following steps for confronting a friend who is abusing their partner:

1. Acknowledge the Evidence & Believe the Survivor

Perhaps the hardest thing to do is admitting that someone we care for and trust is capable of hurting someone else. There’s the temptation to ignore the signs of intimate violence, or even deny outright someone’s assertion that our friend, or mentor, or elder, has been abusing them.

We struggle, naturally, to resist the possibility that the image we’ve constructed of someone we like or admire might be shattered. But people don’t often lie about abuse. We must learn to believe survivors and that anyone is capable of violence.

2. Consult the Survivor

The most important aspect of any anti-abuse work, whether public or private, is to create space for survivors of abuse to empower themselves and make their own decisions. Trust survivors as experts of their own lives; only they best understand the complexities and barriers of their relationships.

If you’re considering confronting a friend who is abusing their partner, make sure that you contact the partner in question and get their consent first. They’ll be able to inform you about what’s appropriate, what would be helpful, and what might be dangerous for them.

Remember that it’s not your job to “rescue” anyone, but to help create options for them to choose from. Validating a victim’s choices and encouraging them to make their own decisions about their life can help to break this cycle of power and control. Moving forward without the survivor’s consent or overstepping the boundaries they lay out for you could put the survivor in grave danger.

There is the possibility that your friend’s partner won’t want to talk to you and that is their right. Even if the question upsets them, it may be worth risking the monetary discomfort in order to let someone know that you see what is going on and are willing to support them.

3. Consider safety

No matter the situation, it’s always best practice to take a moment to think about safety: yours, your friend’s, and particularly your friend’s partner. If you or the survivor of abuse believe that there is a risk of physical danger, then it might be important to postpone the confrontation with your friend or to make a safety plan first. Safety plans vary, but usually include making sure that the person at risk has a place to stay, emergency money, and access to basic resources and human support.

Advocates at the Domestic Violence Action Center and at the University of Hawaiʻi are trained in safety planning and should be consulted for confidential help.

4. Prepare Your Friend

Surprise confrontations and reality-TV style “interventions” that involve a lot of people are very unlikely to go well. Do not surprise or overwhelm (i.e., gang up on) your friend. Instead, it may be a good idea to bring one other person who is close to both of you to accompany you through the conversation. There are resources for healing and change locally. The Family Peace Center takes self-referrals for abusers seeking to help.